I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
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