I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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