Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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