I want to walk on stilts...naked
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
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