Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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