this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
