He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
