I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
