im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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