Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
