Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
