I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
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