If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
