She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
