I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
