You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
