I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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