Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
