Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
