I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You've changed since you got that strap on
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
