I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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