I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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