It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
