He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
