is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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