i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
