Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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