Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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