the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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