just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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