There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
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