And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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