wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
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