Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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