wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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