I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
