Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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