Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
