I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
