he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You have to summon your inner elephant
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
