So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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