I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
