seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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