I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
