I'm drive I can fine osifer
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
