I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
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