im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
