woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
