i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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