First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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